Do You See Me? The Power of Bids of Connection
By: Yani Roman, MSW, LSW
What if I told you there was a secret to long-lasting relationships?
In every relationship, whether romantic, platonic, or familial—there’s a hidden dialogue happening beneath the surface. It’s in the quick glance, the shared meme, the casual “How was your day?”. These moments might seem small, but according to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, they’re actually Bids for Connection—tiny yet powerful ways we ask each other, “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Will you respond?”
Even in the healthiest relationships, Bids for Connection are sometimes missed or ignored. Maybe we’re distracted, emotionally drained, or simply not present in the moment. Other times, deeper relational patterns—like avoidance or resentment—cause us to turn away or even lash out. When these missed bids accumulate over time, they create small fractures in the relationship—what Gottman refers to as ruptures. Left unaddressed, these ruptures can create distance, disconnection, and emotional erosion.
Before diving deeper into Bids for Connection, let’s break down two key terms that shape how we respond to them: Turning Toward and Turning Away.
Turning Toward
Responding to a bid with interest, affection, or attentiveness. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture—just a genuine moment of engagement.
Example:
Partner: “I’ve been reading this really interesting book.”
You: “That’s great, I’m interested in hearing about it.”
Turning Away
Missing or dismissing a bid—intentionally or not. Often this happens when we’re distracted, overwhelmed, or emotionally unavailable.
Example:
You: “I just saw the funniest meme.”
Partner: (No response, eyes glued to their phone).
Let’s be clear, turning away doesn’t automatically mean your partner doesn’t care. Sometimes we’re tired, stressed, or caught up in our own worlds. But over time, consistent patterns of disconnection can erode emotional intimacy and create deeper ruptures.
Case Vingette:
Jake and Paul have been together for five years. Recently, Jake has been feeling increasingly disconnected from Paul. “He’s just not present when I’m talking to him,” Jake says in couples therapy. “He’s either on his phone or not engaging in conversation.”
Paul, on the other hand, feels they spend a lot of time together and thinks Jake should explore more interests independently. “We don’t have to like all the same things,” he says. “It’s healthy to have our own space.”
The issue here isn’t whether Paul needs to take up Jake’s hobbies—it’s that Jake’s emotional bids for connection are being missed. When one partner feels unheard or unseen, even in casual moments, those unmet needs start to stack up. If not addressed, this disconnect can grow into emotional distance.
As psychotherapist Esther Perel wisely says: “The quality of our relationships depends not on whether or not we have fights, but how we repair them.”
Repair is everything. It’s not about never messing up, it’s about how we show up after the rupture, the missed bids. It's the act of acknowledging a missed bid, owning the hurt, and making the effort to reconnect.
You might be wondering, “Okay, but how do I fix this girl?”
First—take a breath. There’s no instant fix, no magic formula. Repairing a relationship isn’t a quick microwave meal—it’s more like a slow-cooked stew. It takes time, patience, and intentionality.
Let’s go back to Jake and Paul. Both partners are expressing something real and important and both perspectives are valid. This isn’t about who’s right or wrong; it’s about understanding how each person is feeling disconnected or misunderstood in the relationship.
Jake is craving emotional presence and interest from Paul—he doesn’t need his partner to adopt his hobbies, but he does want to feel seen when he shares something meaningful. Meanwhile, Paul feels overwhelmed by the pressure to engage in things that don’t naturally interest him, and he’s seeking more space for individuality.
This dynamic is a perfect example of how missed Bids for Connection, even unintentionally can create emotional distance. Repair isn’t about forcing one person to change who they are; it’s about learning to turn toward each other in a way that honors both people’s needs for connection and autonomy.
Now, the long-awaited secret to a long-lasting relationship…
Bid often, and as much as you possibly can. Connect. Show interest. Ask questions. Express curiosity. Let your partner know you see them, that you hear them, and that you care. These seemingly small gestures are the building blocks of emotional intimacy.
It’s not about grand romantic displays—it’s about the everyday moments: a smile across the room, a thoughtful “How did your day go?”, a shared laugh at a silly meme. Every bid you make, and every one you turn toward, reinforces the emotional thread between you and your partner.
Relationships thrive not just on love, but on the consistent choice to stay connected, even (and especially) in the little things. Always remember, that love is a verb.