By: Za’Nya Smith, MA, LPC
Every day, we’re all faced with the same important choice. A choice you’ve been given the privilege of leading since you were a kid, one that feels full of pressure and stress, and one that, if you’re like me, you spend hours or even days finalizing:
What do I want to wear and how do I want to look today?
The Heterosexual Matrix
The Heterosexual Matrix is a cultural framework that enforces rigid connections between biological sex, gender identity, and heterosexual desire. In spaces such as schools, the matrix looks like gendered bathrooms, activities, and roles that uphold opposing binary gender roles and traditional norms of sexual orientation. Manifestations of the matrix often limit the expression, desire, and acceptance of nonheteronormative experiences.
Without a name, this framework may seem—or at least look—familiar to you. A child wearing a pink dress with long hair and bows reinforces heteronormative culture when this child’s gender identity is assumed based on their presentation and is understood as adhering to expectations and norms about their expected roles and access as a perceived woman.
Gender Identity vs. Gender Expression
Gender identity is one’s internal gendered sense of self.
Gender expression is how an individual’s external sense of gender—through clothing, degree of emotional expression, behavior, and speech is conveyed, read, or interpreted by other individuals.
Gender expression can be seen through clothing or behavior, which differs from gender identity. Gender identity is self-determined through a personal understanding of self.
The Heterosexual Matrix promotes the idea that gender expression and identity are aligned, and as a result, gender expression is often mistakenly expected to be mixed or combined with gender identity.
Research suggests that chosen forms of authentic gender expression are associated with large reductions in negative health outcomes, relatively smaller improvements in positive mental health outcomes, and are a part of the gender affirmation process.
The Impact on Wellbeing and the Mind-Body Connection
When it comes to gender identity and expression, it is socially expected to deprioritize intuitive expression and prioritize binary forms of expression. The shift away from intuitive dressing often happens so fast that you hardly recognize your intuition is even gone.
Kids as young as six, dressing as vampires, princesses, or ghosts to school, are taught to believe it is only accepted in October; otherwise, it is often seen as a distraction to others. For those who don’t fit the binary, Halloween often felt like a safe escape from the matrix.
The Impact on Intimacy and Relationships
In relationships, couples can be faced with barriers around gender expression. The Heterosexual Matrix reinforces expected stereotypes around gender identity and expression in intimate relationships.
Gendered roles, presentation, and expectations during intimacy can impact desirability in an individual.
The medicalization of gender identity can delegitimize self-understanding and place emphasis on “expert” knowledge. This expert knowledge often reinforces expectations of the matrix with partners expected to take on either dominant or submissive roles.
It is important to address research that shows that queer people report experiencing discrimination and prejudice for outward gender expression, which impacts their ability and opportunity to express themselves. This can result in queer individuals “concealing” their queerness in heteronormative spaces.
How to Foster and Encourage Authentic Gender Identity and Expression
Pacing: Authentic expression likely won’t happen overnight, even though it would be pretty cool if it did. In reality, it will take time, money, and trial by fire at times.
GET EXPERIMENTAL. Try everything! You won’t know if it’s yours to keep unless you try it.
Sometimes gender expression can feel like an episode of Fashion Police (RIP Joan Rivers). It can be extremely empowering or super scary to authentically express yourself to the public. It opens the door to praise, criticism, and perception that is sometimes unwanted but other times highly affirming.
If this task feels huge, start slow. Build comfort and confidence in safe spaces. As you build confidence and community, move into bigger spaces.
TAKE UP ROOM!
Increasing the Mind-Body Connection:
One of the best ways to lean into authentic gender expression is to increase the mind-body connection. Being able to identify what feels good and authentic in your body versus what feels uncomfortable and stressful in the body is important. Strengthening that connection through mindfulness is the first step to determining what to do with the emotions that come up.
The best way to build back intuitive expression is to give it a go.
If you’re feeling good and authentic—lean into it! It’s powerful. Take note of colors, textures, and fits that make you feel and look your best!
If you’re feeling uncomfortable and stressed—no worries, we can deal with this too. Take note. What feelings are coming up? Is the outfit uncomfortable? Do you not like how it looks or fits? Or is it something else? Are you feeling a bit sucked into the Heterosexual Matrix?
If you find yourself sucked into the Heterosexual Matrix—we can manage this too! It can be scary, shameful, or guilt-inducing to oppose the matrix. Remember, we were socialized to prioritize the matrix and its expectations.
One thing you can do here is ask yourself:
Is this fear, shame, or guilt mine? Or does it belong to the matrix?
Pinterest:
Personally, I love, love, love Pinterest. It feels good to have no idea about the specifics of the final expression. I find it exciting to go through the curation process.
The best part? It’s extremely low stress, personally curated, and private.
Use this space to throw expression and identity at the wall and see what sticks.
With my clients, I share this advice:
If you can’t decide, try it!
You won’t know if it’s a fit or not until you’ve given it a try. If you hate it, change it. When in doubt, ask yourself: “How can I make this more me?”
Remember, the Heterosexual Matrix is a real bitch. The best way out is to lead an existence rooted in authenticity and expression daily, despite being socialized to do otherwise.
Articles used:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31992489/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26846487/
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0044118X19855898
https://www.leeairton.com/genderyourguide
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00918369.2015.1073038
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0361684320929354
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15332691.2012.666497