Intimacy in a Dysregulated World
By: Patrick Mooney MA, LPC
A favorite bit of information I enjoy passing down to clients is that a quick way to down regulate, and observe your nervous system, is slowing down. Find any small daily act you feel you could slow down and be mindful about doing so when you can. Slowing down is foundational in Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing approach to healing trauma, but helpful for anyone’s regulation.
Walk more slowly. Chew your food slower, and even brush your teeth slower. In that moment you can begin to notice how your body feels when the nervous system calms. Which brings awareness to how your body feels when it is dysregulated.
Regulation starts when you wake up in the morning, is another favorite piece of information I pass on to clients. I often ask my dysregulated clients, “How do you get out of bed in the morning?” Most of the time, it can be slowed down. Sit up slowly, listen to the sounds in the room, stretch, and observe the sensations within your body at that moment. When we slow down, our nervous system calms. It then becomes easier to feel embodied, or aware of the sensations happening internally. Can you already see the connection to intimacy?
I assure you the world is not designed for people to move slowly. If slowing down actions during your day starts out with difficulty, that’s ok. It makes sense given how much is on the plate of the average adult American. We are frequently fighting or fleeing for literal and perceived survival while checking off a to do list. Where can someone find the time to slow down to nurture intimacy and be intimate? It’s a common reason individuals and couples come to therapy.
When navigating the difficulty of cultivating intimacy in a dysregulating world, my first job as a clinician will be to help you, drum roll please…slow down. It’s all connected! We slow down in session to practice slowing down at home and within intimate moments. “Stop and smell the roses” is an old saying, but a helpful one. Stop and smell the flowers on your walks. Why not? Notice how they smell, how they look, and how they’re shaped. Notice how you feel when doing so. This is helpful in many situations, especially intimacy.
Stop and notice your partner. What scent are they wearing today? How do they move around your space? How do they sound? How do they make you feel? In your calmer and embodied state, communicate what you notice, what you like, and how they make you feel. That’s intimacy!
How you start and move through your day is connected to how available you are to slow down and notice your partner. So if you’re struggling to make time to connect with your partner, start with how you wake up in the morning, and slowly practice slowing down. Notice your own body and how you’re feeling, and then notice your partner. Share what you notice, and let the intimacy begin!